praying...

Praying for a better place for me to heal, for people who would bring good vibes, be free from people who would inflict pain and for love so big that could engulf the pain and hatred in my heart


I don't know why or when, but I stopped praying for awhile ... or my prayers were inconsistent, diminished. Even merely saying, "thank you for ... a roof over my head, nice toilet paper, the clothes on my back, the cucumber I ate for lunch, etc."

My gratitude no longer grew, my faith faltered. Maybe, probably, definitely, I didn't know WHAT to say to God. I didn't know what gifts of myself that I had to give. I was tired of trying.

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Earlier, I was in bed TRYING to sleep ... but being driven to my wits end by the constant noisy swishing wooshing in my right ear for a month. I could ONLY hear it when things were still, in quietness. Instead of trying to muffle the sound by resting on my right - which is the most uncomfortable and unnatural thing for a left sider such as myself - I tried a different approach. I became still, and I accepted this sound, I listened to its rhythm. While medically, I knew there was a logical diagnosis perhaps tinitus, I took it from a spiritual perspective.

While I can joke and lament over my gazillion physician appointments ( minimum of 4-5 trips a month) and specialists since april ... there was something wrong.


mitral valve prolapse,polycystic ovarian syndrom / PCOS, alopecia areata, psoriasis, right peripheral vestibular dysfunction, ankle subluxation, behavioral disorders


at the height of all of this from APRIL-SEPTEMBER, I was not well. No tests or specialists could explain / pinpoint the mystery. Fainting (in public 2x), dizziness, nausea, sweating (and I barely do it at the gym), cold chills. Honestly, it was living torture.

My body was attacking me, because my mind was attacking me ... and those I cared deeply for. I know its not a coincidence that the bodily hell I experienced for those months was at the same time Troy pulled away from my life. Some people get depressed or drunk.

The damn noise in my head, basically said to me, LISTEN AND APPRECIATE TO THE EMOTIONS IN YOUR BODY. The damn noise reminded me to PAY ATTENTION TO THE THOUGHTS, AND BE AWARE OF THEM, FILTER OUT THE NEGATIVE NOISE. I am loud because this is when I can relentlessly capture your attention. When there's too much going on in the external world, I am quiet because your thoughts are helplessly scattered, unfocused, distracted.