for the first time

I feel myself in a fog in which I could barely see through.


Troy knows I'm upset. But also vulnerable, and heaven help me still in love with him.

The entire time he was texting me for the the first time in months my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart - someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for awhile because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficulties and hard words.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what he wants.
What do we want? What do we do?

He said he still loves me. Or in his words "I fucking love you" in response to some sort of witty smartass comment I said. How do I interpret that? I fucking love my car too. He said he misses me. I also miss having chocolate chip cookies. I'm not being negative or a debbiedowner. It's not fair, Troy can shake me up like that - no matter what I want to hear.

I WANT YOU, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO BE WANTED.

a prisoner of pretending and his presence

I understood everything quite clearly, and then suddenly stopped understanding.

I love him, and he loves me, but that, with the passing of time, something important was missing. I had everything in life; and yet was unhappy; although I could easily go through the rest of my life pretending that this happiness didn't exist. I was terrified of falling into a depression from which I might never emerge.

However, the more I looked for things and love, the more confused I became, the more alone I felt. I feel at times that I've completely lost my way.

I became a prisoner of my personal history. These accumulated experiences, memories, things, or other people's ideas, and it is more then I can possibly cope with. that is why I forgot my dreams.

Troy sensed that something was wrong, became easily irritated, I am more silent than usual. Maybe we could see we were growing apart but cannot understand why. I don't know..........

we could spend the rest of our life saying that we love such a person or thing, when the truth is we are merely suffering, because instead of accepting love's strength, we are trying to diminish it.

I thought that by writing about my feelings, I would free myself from his presence. Now I love him in a more silent way, and think about it more.

doubt

I doubted everything but doubt...

the act of faith

Nothing will behave in the logical way you have come to expect. You will understand things only with your heart, and that can be a little frightening ... but then any search is an act of faith.


But God appreciates our act of faith and takes our hand and guides us.